I can't promise you the world, I can only tell you one day it will end.
An exploration into our role in and outside of relationships. How to build independence and start to trust ourselves.
You might recognise the scene from above and if not I shall lay it out for you. It’s from the film Bruce Almighty- where Jim Carrey plays a Tv presenter who blames god for the worst day of his life and later gains power and control becoming “God” himself. There is a scene with his girlfriend (Jennifer Anderson) where he opens the balcony doors, looks up at the sky and clears the clouds away. He has an invisible lasso in which he throws at the moon and brings it closer to view. The balcony lights up as if it was day time, and he adds in some sparkling stars around it for good measure. Now even though the nature of this film is a comedy, and has some ridiculous parts at that- it’s more the undertone of the relationship I want to talk about with you.
We can see perhaps where the idea for this scene came from, In “It’s a wonderful Life”. Where George says to Mary ““What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary. ”—
Statements like this we might have said ourselves to loved ones, whether it be the moon or the world we can find that what comes from feeling love or showing love, seems to have this effect on us where we promise extravagant things that cant possibly be seen through till the end. No one can bring you the moon, or give you the world… So how do we come to terms with the inevitable.
Now, this post may feel like its turning a little pessimistic but bare with me. Throughout my years of entering and having relationships end I know I’ve uttered these words myself to significant others. I guess that’s the pure thing about love. You feel like you didn’t realise there was a part of you missing until someone else fills it. You no longer feel alone inside but also in your environment, and as time goes on our mind gets a bit fuzzy in trying to remember what life looked like before having them, or even how we were living. Now even though this all sounds warm and joyful, the truth of the matter is that there’s a dark side to everything thats light. What I mean by this is more how we change in ourselves, the parts we gain but also the parts we lose. And what happens when this love runs out…the moon looks further away and the world says I dont want you. We then have to return to this body and mind that we might not feel familiar with.
Not all that wander are lost…
There’s so much of our lives where others are a part of it, but not just the human being themselves rather more their thoughts, feelings. Opinions and judgements shared, what others think is right or wrong. Influence and impacting how we feel in ourselves and how we look at the outside world too. It can become quite loud in our heads when we are trying to listen to all this and contain it in such an already small space of our minds. Now there’s some of us who have learnt how to tune this out, feel secure in themselves and choices they choose in life regardless of what others have to say. and then there are others who may feel they cant make any decision or rely on themselves at all day to day. You can see from this why the relationship we have with ourselves at the end of the day, is the most important as quite frankly- we are never leaving.
Following are some hard truths that need to be shared and not shy away from. In order for you to reflect on ourself and how you might want to go on to nurture your relationship, start showing the care and love you would give to others without doubt- to now yourself.
1. Trust yourself before anyone else.
Something quite bold to throw out there to you. Now this isnt to say no one can be trusted in life, it’s just coming to terms and accepting that those who you either care or love dearly might break that one day. It’s in a sense the shit realisation that there is nothing in your control you can do to prevent this. So how do we move forward with this? One thing I always encourage clients to do is explore their attachment style. Your attachment style can speak volumes about why or how you feel and behave. For example Anxious preoccupied style tend to feel more doubtful, question and overthink anything that slighty feels off or reminds them of a time prior. These individuals may need lots of reassurance, open communication and understand that not everything will result in the same way before, OR worst way!. The reason why understanding our attachment style I believe is so Key,is the reflections that come up with your childhood, relationship with parents/care givers and how this may have changed or stayed the same as you enter adulthood. Below if a great link to a simple 10 minute Quiz that will give you your result, you are then open to continue research if you’d like.
2. You can love again and on your terms too.
What’s your type? I can’t think of a more frustrating and vague question to be asked, but it get’s asked. We have all been with people for a reason whether that’s through common interests, having similar life goals or just plain and simply finding them funny. We all know the traits and qualities we like and dislike in someone but no one is our “perfect one” We just find the right one to live and love where we can accept their imperfections as we would expect in return. A great tool I used to do with clients was the Relationship Bargaining. Now, this is something that can be done at any stage whether its exploring new relations, currently in one and feeling like somethings not right anymore. Or, sometimes the most important one is coming out of a relationship and telling yourself” Well I don’t want that again” Below is a basic diagram of what you are rating out of 10. I Encourage clients to either do this in response to their best/worst relationship. The second time around you connect with yourself, your values and beliefs and rate the importance that you would want from a relationship. By doing this you are able to gain insight into any possible patterns, how you present yourself to others and ways to get your needs and wants addressed earlier on.
3. I lost myself, can you tell me who I am?
As I spoke earlier in this post about sometimes feeling as though we’ve lost the person we were, before entering and experiencing a significant relationship. It can be somewhat daunting after left in the same body but feeling as though we have a different mind and don’t quite know how to work with ourselves anymore. This is when we look at forming our new identity. It’s not always about going back to your “old” self but rather creating the new and improved one, that believe it or not tends to be the most authentic version of you that’s been their all along. There are several questions/ exercises I get clients to do, and have done myself to reconnect within and start to vision how I want to be as a person, but also as a partner, friend etc.
Some things to reflect on…
What are 10 things I value in my life? What are the top 3 and what do I feel this shows about me?
When I’m being critical of myself, how can I show myself some compassion?
What are my favourite qualities in myself, Or What would others say are my best qualities?
What are my least favourite qualities? How might I seek to work on these or change them?
Do I feel comfortable when it comes to creating and implementing boundaries with others and myself?
Are there any things said, shown that I find make me think of previous relationships? how do I respond to these? How might I be able to reframe this?
What are some things that I suggest to others to do when it comes to self love and care, how can I apply these to myself?
To conclude, this post is only touching the top of the iceberg at how we can start to understand ourselves, build our identity and recognise any changes we want to make to develop our sense of self. Below is a Poll where I have included off shoots of this topic to explore and write about next, so feel free to vote to read more around this subject!